EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!
no new episodes til march 9th. then we return with the most important episode of television ever. get ready.
Yes, everyone, we are still alive. How can you tell?
Because people are offended by something. Aaaand o are they taking to twitter over it.
On this week’s How I Met Your Mother, several cast members were depicted as ancient Asian samurai masters as the show paid homage to old Kung-Fu movies and in no way shape or form get any closer to meeting anyone’s mother.
This is obviously the worst thing in the world because it is racist and insensitive and depicts white people as Asian stereotypes which is somehow worse than depicting Asian people in Asian stereotype..?
But people, your ire is misplaced.
First off, stop tweeting @CBS. They literally do not care about you. They will be fine if you do not tune in anymore.
Secondly, what are you going to do? Not watch? Really? You’ve watched for a decade and now that the show is almost over - you’re bailing? Really? That’s weird on you.
Thirdly, this is the writers fault. Not because of what they showed. But because of what they did not show. Do not be mad at this show for being “racist”; rather, be mad at it because this show is maddening.
It’s still on! It’s still going. They have not met. Ted and the mother are still strangers. 201 episodes in and they’re strangers. Look, the show started off great, then got bad, then great, and now it’s just here.
The iPhone was not released when this show started. Can you remember a time without an iPhone? Hardly. Can you imagine a show was on TV then and the main story line is not complete yet? LOST even wrapped things up quicker!
There was a writers strike in Hollywood and the show still keeps on ticking. That is what we should be upset about. This show is ridiculous.
Also, the show has portrayed white people as Native Americans and Ted as a Mexican and no one’s had a problem. Not to mention to constant bashing of Canadians, but it’s ok.
Plus the show’s portrayal of Wayne Brady as a black and gay man has been without stereotype, but no one talks about that.
So calm down people. Tweeting your outrage does not make you seem more enlightened or cultural sensitive. It just makes you look like a jerk… blogging about your outrage on the other had is what the enlightened people do… right?
Though Jay Jackson is not the biggest name, he might be key to the biggest Fictional Cross Over this side of the Avengers.
Everyone knows who Perd Hapley is (Parks and Rec… and if you don’t, you should go watch it. I know the first few episodes are bad, but stick with it). He is one of Pawnee’s (a fictional Indiana town) most famous news anchor. Also, he’s hilarious. However, Perd did not get his broadcast news start here. Oh, no. In fact he has been reporting on major news stories in fictional history. It all starts, as many insane things do, in Miami.
Yes, Miami. Where Miami Metro is going nuts looking someone they’re calling The Bay Harbor Butcher. Someone has been gathering up recently and wrongfully freed criminals, murdering them, putting their remains into garbage bags, and sinking them. While no one is looking towards Miami Metro’s blood splatter expert, Dexter Morgan, the news must go on. And it must go on in a fly white suite
There’s our man.
He is then transferred to The Closer. And because I am not a shut-in, I know nothing about this show. However, he is an LA REPORTER covering a Hit-and-Run murder that may or may not involve a Hollywood Director. Yes, he is moving up in the world as he covers such a big story that contains both pop culture and murder (AKA: the most important story ever according to the media).
While reporting in the California area, he broke one of the biggest stories that eventually has international implications: He reported on the daring and crazy break out of one Dominic Toretto. This risky caper was executed by his sister, Mia, and his FBI-agent-turned-street-racer-best-friend Brian O’Connor. It was done by crashing cars into the prisoner transfer bus that was inexplicably driving down an extremely deserted and literally a desert highway with no back up. Thankfully no one was injured despite the bus flipping about 5 times.
Also, thankfully, the most reliable name in news was on the scene:
Again, because I am not a shut-in or a parent, I am not entirely familiar with the Mentalist. That’s alright though because neither are you. However, what is important is who comes popping up… reporting the news… again:
That’s right Central Valley. Your corruption will not go unnoticed. It will not go.. un-Perd.
To round out his “CBS shows that are completely interchangeable” card he would later appear on Body of Proof as… you guessed it… “News Anchor”.
All of this field reporting finally got him a desk job. But where he goes, news follows. When the world is attacked by aliens, only two things can stop them - battleships and:
Yes, the board game turned boring movie was given life by casting America’s News Anchor.
With the world saved from aliens (I think) thanks to battleships (why not), it was time for the big show - US Politics. Only one man can sort out the sordid affairs between Olivia Pope and President Fitz Grant.
In his longest stint, he is credited from just “TV Anchor” to “Male Reporter” before finally being titled “Local News Anchor”. In a city where facts and slanted and spun, Perd Hapley is the only man willing to give it to us straight.
However, after years of covering the biggest stories - from Murder to Presidential Affairs and back again - it was time for Perd to take it easy. So he goes to Pawnee to report on the quieter things in life, like local politics. He eventually ends up with his own talk show:
So this means that all of these worlds can be somehow connected because this one man had the strong desire to tell us what is going on in said worlds:
Calvin Hobbes could have been partners with Huck.
If Leslie Knope ever got into big trouble, Olivia Pope could represent her.
Dexter could have been prosecuted by David Rosen for his multiple crimes against humanity.
Guys, the possibility are endless and awesome. And for that, we have one man to thank:
Thank you Jay Jackson for reporting the fake news that brings everything great closer together.
"IS THIS HYPERBOLIC ENOUGH FOR YOU YET WIN FAIL OMGCLICK?"
Everyone tried so hard to go “viral” this year that the word barely has any meaning anymore. Virality didn’t just jump the shark. It ate Henry Winkler, shit him into the underground oceans of Europa, and then did a kick-flip over the frozen turds. Going viral has looked into infinity, and it cannot return. Here is how and why…
On the Nice List:
5. Blue Christmas
I love Elvis, I like that it’s a hit and it is completely depressing. It’s not the most creative song, but it is entirely enjoyable in it’s misery.
4. All I want For Christmas Is you
No really, how can you not like this song? Is it cheesy, sure. Does it make sense, nope (I won’t even ask for snow? What does that mean? Santa doesn’t control the weather…. right?). But so what, that’s what the holidays are all about - just being happy and up beat. I don’t care who you are, this comes on - you will not change it and will sing along. It is a fact of science. In terms of all holiday songs written in our lifetime, this is head and shoulders above the rest.
3. Do they know It’s Christmas (Comedy Death-Ray Radio, now Comedy Bang Bang)
It’s not quite a spoof, but not entirely serious either.
Before Comedy Death Ray became it’s own show, they assembled some (most) of the best comedians working to sing this kind of classic holiday song. It’s just awesome. Everyone should watch it twice.
2. Carol of the Bells
Maybe I love this song cause no one can sing along to it. Also because the Trans Siberian Orchestra version is played in every hockey rink to show “even tho we will celebrate the holidays we are still tough with our grinding guitars”. It’s not hokey and enjoyable to listen to and makes you think you’re in the ironically-placed-music park of an action scene.
1. Christmas (Baby please come home)
I love this song. Love it. I never understood why people listen to Christmas music outside of the holidays, but I would listen to this song on the 4th of July. There’s something about the passion in the voice, the idea that the holidays are more than things, the fact that the Ronnettes were on it.
Nightmare Before Christmas, Jingle Bell Rock - Randy Travis, Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Bruce Springsteen, and Christmas All Over Again - Tom Petty
And the coal goes to:
5. Baby It’s Cold Outside
The song itself is totally boring and almost ignorable. However, it contributes to one of the biggest scourges of the holiday season (just short of tinsel). I hate and think the world is over the “hey, this song is rapey” jokes”. It’s not funny. Pointing this out will not make you seem profound. It is well worn territory. It is a dumb Christmas song, not a rape anthem. And also, is it a Christmas song. This is a winter song. At no point is Santa, reindeer, presents, etc. mentioned. It is a dumb song and everyone should just never listen to it again.
4. Oi to the World - No Doubt
One of the worst things to ever happen to music was the pop-punk-ska movement in the early 90’s. The annoyance is personified in this craptastic song. It tries to blend multiple religions while appealing to California skaters and their chained wallets. The song is a story about people fighting and then not fighting. It’s so dumb and so pointless that it sets back race relations. The only reason this song is a Christmas song is because it is passingly mentioned in the chorus. That’s it. Had it not been for saying the words “Christmas Day”, this song would have been forgotten like everything else from this time period. Instead it continues to pop up and ruin the holidays.
3. Santa Claus is Coming to Town (as sung by Cyndi Lauper and Frank Sinatra)
The song is good. This version is terrible. Look, Frank Sinatra is awesome (obviously). Cyndi Lauper is terrible. She’s always terrible. Always. Despite this fact, she still manages to pop up on what would be a great song and absolutely ruin it. She talks over him, sings over him, and completely renders him useless.
2. Dominick the Donkey
So let me get this straight. The flying, magical reindeer cannot climb mountains; so, one donkey is brought in. One donkey carries Santa’s sleigh throughout this whole mountain range. This story is batshit dumb. Just working within the flying reindeer mythos, this does not add up. Why would this one mountain range prove so tough. Also, what about people who live on mountain ranges world-wide? Are they SOL cause a racist donkey can’t help them? These reindeer can fly, this fat guy can fit down a chimney, and he has one sack that carries every toy and all of those toys were built by elves. BUT NOW we’re concerned with the logistics and physics of traveling on bumpy terrain? Go fuck yourself.
Plus it is literally grading to your ear drums to listen to. I hate this song so much. Also, it race baits people into liking it. Somehow this is akin to the Italian national anthem so therefor people like it?! It’s literal garbage. Not to mention, if you look up the lyrics online, they are slightly racist as well:
Jingle Bells around his feet and presents on da sled.
Hey look at da mayors derby, on top of Dominicks head.
That’s awful in every single which way.
1. Christmas Shoes
Hoooo boy. The first time I heard this song, I thought it was a joke. First off, this song is told by a guy who just wants a pat on the back. The song is about a guy saying he saw a kid with a dying mom and the narrator laid out the money for this kid to buy the shoes. He’s essentially telling a heroic story about how HE made this kid’s day. What a prick. This is the type of story assholes tell to get laid at Christmas parties.
Also, we get it. Some people have it worse off than us. This is the least subtle way this message has ever been conveyed. It is so pretentious and shitty that it makes me want to do less good will towards others. This song makes Anti-smoking commercials seem discreet. This song is literally the worst in every which way. It does nothing to bolster spirits, it’s not something people want to sing along with, it just sucks dick.
Christmas in Hollis - DMC (the song itself is ok, it’s just that it is used in EVERY commercial, show, movie to display that “yes, this is a Christmas party, but this ain’t your mom and dad’s christmas party, this one has RAP MUSIC! WE ARE OFF THE CHAIN!”)
If you are reading this then you know I
A: Hate a lot of things
B. Really like a lot of things
One of the things I did not like for the longest time was the holidays. It just seemed so suffocating. Everyone was five (ten) pounds heavier, packed in malls that pumped perfume, traffic was worse, it was gloomy out, just blech.
But maybe I’m getting soft in my old age (and not working retail anymore), but the holidays aren’t so terrible. In fact, here are some things about the holidays that I really enjoy that a lot of people cannot stand:
4. Holiday Parties -
One underrated aspect of holiday parties is the predictability of them all. I know, I know, way to take the fun out of parties, Dan. But think about it, you know: the music that will be played, the dress code, the food and drinks being served, and the likelihood of awkward make outs due to mistletoe. You know you’ll hear Santa Baby 45 times. But, you also know that the underlying threat of dancing at a holiday party is gone - why? cause you can’t dance to Christmas music. If you’re anything like me, a party’s playlist is crucial. I hit “next” 55 times during a 5 minute drive because the music needs to be just right and I’m nervous my co-pilots will be sick of hearing Tom Waits and Marilyn Manson 20 times in a row. You know what you do not have to worry about at a holiday party? Yup, the music. Just throw on some holiday tunes and walk away. People sick of them? Well that’s their problem and they are terrorists so we needn’t worry about their problems. Maybe you are worried about those holiday pounds being the talk of the party? Nope! Just throw on a festive sweater and you are in the clear. Big sweaters are not only acceptable, they are encouraged. Which is awesome cause you know what every holiday party has: food and booze. And not just a bag of Let’s Chips and Coors Lite. No, people break out the good stuff. The decadent stuff. Feel like 19 pigs-in-a-blanket and 12 glasses of egg nog might be a bit much? NOPE! It’s the holidays. Which leads me to…
3. Decadence and Greed
Yup. I know. This is why the terrorists hate us. How can I justify spending so much money when so many people have nothing? How can I have my fourth helping of ham when people go starving? How can I have a drink with 5 shots of peppermint schnapps when so many people go to bed cold? I don’t know how I can and I’m not interested in figuring it out. Cause it’s the holidays. The time when common sense and bleeding hearts get lost in the carnage of unwrapped presents. Despite everyone’s posts on how much everyone should do without for the holidays, everyone in their core is all hoping for the same thing - the most Christmas ever. And the best part is - we don’t have to feel bad about it! Why should we? It’s not our fault we like things. Things are the best things. So feel free to put on Facebook all the memes of starving kids while you check your Amazon wishlist, it’s just that time of the year!
2. “Love Actually”
Honestly, it wasn’t until Totalfilm.com listed Love Actually as a terrible film that I realized there is a perverse movement of people who do not care for the film Love Actually. And… well.. that’s just weird. For some reason this movie became the target for terrible romantic holiday themed movies (and somehow THE HOLIDAY went by unscathed). People have railed this movie for everything from sexism to homophobia to straight up lying to us about love, actually. See, the problem with that is like saying Batman is a terrible movie cause it lies to us about how billionaires act. It’s a romantic comedy that (love) actually hits both romance and comedy. And to the people who hate this movie, I say this to you: you probably do think my love of decadence and greed is why the terrorists hate us, but I say nay. It is your raising a stink over a movie that features 3 minutes of Hugh Grant, as Prime Minister, dancing all around 10 Downing Street. Is this movie really a huge blow to whatever cause you are waiving a flag for? It’s a better than average movie that a majority of people can enjoy and Katherine Heigel isn’t in it. In my book this movie is a win-win-win.
Again, this was something that I didn’t think people had a problem with. Until, of course, the NYPD tried to shut it down by “encouraging” bars to not serve patrons dressed in their holiday bests. I then turned to the internets only to find a lot of people in multiple feeds defending this move! Aside from this being a “when they came for Santa-con, and I did nothing… then they came for me and no one was around to do something” type moment (yes, the Nazi parallels are necessary), this is extremely disheartening. There are a few reasons for people to legitimately hate Santa-con:
1. Fear of Santas
2. It’s cool to hate fun things
That’s all I can think of. If you are scared of Santas, then I get it and I’m sorry. But if you think Santa-con is bad cause it’s a bunch of bros and hoes drinking all day, then, well, you are just too high-brow for me. But, if you could just listen to me from Mt. Pious, you might see how wrong you are. Santa-Con is fun cause dressing up and drinking all day is fun. Large groups of people hanging out is fun. New York city embracing the holiday spirit is fun. Lots of local bars and establishments getting increased patronage is fun.
Do some people take it too far, of course. But show me anything where people don’t. Also, it is suuuuper easy to avoid those types of people. You simply walk into a bar, use your common sense to answer the question “hey, do I want to hang out here”, if the answer is “no”, then move along. Again, I’m pretty sure hating an entire cause due a small percent of the population is the definition of racism. If that’s the case then you hate St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, The Occupy Movement, The Million Man March, The Right for Life March, The Democratic and Republican National Convention, Football Games, Black Friday, really anything that involves people interacting with other people, etc..
The point is, if you hate Santa-Con cause cause you think hating it is part of the path towards intellectual superiority, than you are simply a douche. And no one likes a douche on the holidays.