If you are reading this then you know I
A: Hate a lot of things
B. Really like a lot of things
One of the things I did not like for the longest time was the holidays. It just seemed so suffocating. Everyone was five (ten) pounds heavier, packed in malls that pumped perfume, traffic was worse, it was gloomy out, just blech.
But maybe I’m getting soft in my old age (and not working retail anymore), but the holidays aren’t so terrible. In fact, here are some things about the holidays that I really enjoy that a lot of people cannot stand:
4. Holiday Parties -
One underrated aspect of holiday parties is the predictability of them all. I know, I know, way to take the fun out of parties, Dan. But think about it, you know: the music that will be played, the dress code, the food and drinks being served, and the likelihood of awkward make outs due to mistletoe. You know you’ll hear Santa Baby 45 times. But, you also know that the underlying threat of dancing at a holiday party is gone - why? cause you can’t dance to Christmas music. If you’re anything like me, a party’s playlist is crucial. I hit “next” 55 times during a 5 minute drive because the music needs to be just right and I’m nervous my co-pilots will be sick of hearing Tom Waits and Marilyn Manson 20 times in a row. You know what you do not have to worry about at a holiday party? Yup, the music. Just throw on some holiday tunes and walk away. People sick of them? Well that’s their problem and they are terrorists so we needn’t worry about their problems. Maybe you are worried about those holiday pounds being the talk of the party? Nope! Just throw on a festive sweater and you are in the clear. Big sweaters are not only acceptable, they are encouraged. Which is awesome cause you know what every holiday party has: food and booze. And not just a bag of Let’s Chips and Coors Lite. No, people break out the good stuff. The decadent stuff. Feel like 19 pigs-in-a-blanket and 12 glasses of egg nog might be a bit much? NOPE! It’s the holidays. Which leads me to…
3. Decadence and Greed
Yup. I know. This is why the terrorists hate us. How can I justify spending so much money when so many people have nothing? How can I have my fourth helping of ham when people go starving? How can I have a drink with 5 shots of peppermint schnapps when so many people go to bed cold? I don’t know how I can and I’m not interested in figuring it out. Cause it’s the holidays. The time when common sense and bleeding hearts get lost in the carnage of unwrapped presents. Despite everyone’s posts on how much everyone should do without for the holidays, everyone in their core is all hoping for the same thing - the most Christmas ever. And the best part is - we don’t have to feel bad about it! Why should we? It’s not our fault we like things. Things are the best things. So feel free to put on Facebook all the memes of starving kids while you check your Amazon wishlist, it’s just that time of the year!
2. “Love Actually”
Honestly, it wasn’t until Totalfilm.com listed Love Actually as a terrible film that I realized there is a perverse movement of people who do not care for the film Love Actually. And… well.. that’s just weird. For some reason this movie became the target for terrible romantic holiday themed movies (and somehow THE HOLIDAY went by unscathed). People have railed this movie for everything from sexism to homophobia to straight up lying to us about love, actually. See, the problem with that is like saying Batman is a terrible movie cause it lies to us about how billionaires act. It’s a romantic comedy that (love) actually hits both romance and comedy. And to the people who hate this movie, I say this to you: you probably do think my love of decadence and greed is why the terrorists hate us, but I say nay. It is your raising a stink over a movie that features 3 minutes of Hugh Grant, as Prime Minister, dancing all around 10 Downing Street. Is this movie really a huge blow to whatever cause you are waiving a flag for? It’s a better than average movie that a majority of people can enjoy and Katherine Heigel isn’t in it. In my book this movie is a win-win-win.
Again, this was something that I didn’t think people had a problem with. Until, of course, the NYPD tried to shut it down by “encouraging” bars to not serve patrons dressed in their holiday bests. I then turned to the internets only to find a lot of people in multiple feeds defending this move! Aside from this being a “when they came for Santa-con, and I did nothing… then they came for me and no one was around to do something” type moment (yes, the Nazi parallels are necessary), this is extremely disheartening. There are a few reasons for people to legitimately hate Santa-con:
1. Fear of Santas
2. It’s cool to hate fun things
That’s all I can think of. If you are scared of Santas, then I get it and I’m sorry. But if you think Santa-con is bad cause it’s a bunch of bros and hoes drinking all day, then, well, you are just too high-brow for me. But, if you could just listen to me from Mt. Pious, you might see how wrong you are. Santa-Con is fun cause dressing up and drinking all day is fun. Large groups of people hanging out is fun. New York city embracing the holiday spirit is fun. Lots of local bars and establishments getting increased patronage is fun.
Do some people take it too far, of course. But show me anything where people don’t. Also, it is suuuuper easy to avoid those types of people. You simply walk into a bar, use your common sense to answer the question “hey, do I want to hang out here”, if the answer is “no”, then move along. Again, I’m pretty sure hating an entire cause due a small percent of the population is the definition of racism. If that’s the case then you hate St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, The Occupy Movement, The Million Man March, The Right for Life March, The Democratic and Republican National Convention, Football Games, Black Friday, really anything that involves people interacting with other people, etc..
The point is, if you hate Santa-Con cause cause you think hating it is part of the path towards intellectual superiority, than you are simply a douche. And no one likes a douche on the holidays.