Can You Dig It?

8th May 2013 | 1 note

“I love Girls Who Wear Abercrombie and Fitch” is surprisingly now a douchier lyric

It was released yesterday that Abercrombie and Fitch will not stock women’s clothes XL or higher simply because they do not want anyone who would wear XL to wear their brand.

That’s right.

They couldn’t have even tried to spin this as a health initiative (we’re trying to motivate people…?). They came out and said it. Men’s clothes will be in those high sizes, you know, cause we’re all muscular or something. But they say they are making this choice solely to attract the cool kids.

Zach Braff ruins everything

Zach Braff is truly one of the worst living actor, writer, director ever. And now he wants you to pay so he can continue to produce lazy, thoughtless, douchey, crap. Thanks kickstarter!

Zach Braff is a rare breed of actor that is literally terrible in everything he has ever been in. The only thing he has ever been involved in was playing Phillip Lit in 2 episodes of Arrested Development. And that is not enough to stop me from saying he is one of the worst people in all of entertainment.
You might be wondering why I’ve turned my angst towards someone who hasn’t worked since 2010, but he surfaced from ironic hovel yesterday on kickstarter. Why? To ask people to pay for a movie they are going to have to pay to see.
Yes, apparently Comedy Central playing Scrubs 12 hours a day does not produce enough residuals for this already terrible sounding project. Wanna know what his movie’s about? Here’s the plot from the writer, director, star:

“‘Wish I Was Here’ is the story of Aidan Bloom (played by me), a struggling actor, father and husband, who at 35 is still trying to find his identity; a purpose for his life. He and his wife are barely getting by financially and Aidan passes his time by fantasizing about being the great futuristic Space-Knight he’d always dreamed he’d be as a little kid. When his ailing father can no longer afford to pay for private school for his two kids (ages 5 and 12) and the only available public school is on its last legs, Aidan reluctantly agrees to attempt to home-school them. The result is some funny chaos, until Aidan decides to scrap the traditional academic curriculum and come up with his own. Through teaching them about life his way, Aidan gradually discovers some of the parts of himself he couldn’t find.”

Woooow. Breaking some new ground there, eh? First off, “I wish I was here” is enough to make me hate everything about this. You see, the common saying is “I wish YOU were here”. But if he’s there how can he wish he was there?! Deep! Or, you know, just simple.

And I’m glad to see he’s continuing the “middle aged white guys who lack direction take a strange turn and in the end, find out the road to happiness isn’t the one they set on” story that we have seen every summer. That’s right, Zach, this is essentially Grown Ups 3. What a douche.

Now, the beauty of kickstarter is that when you back enough, you get something exclusive. So this way you know your money is going towards something the general public isn’t privy to. Again, from the dickhead’s mouth: ”One of the cool things about being a backer is that you can get access to weekly song picks by me, and be the first group to stream the soundtrack.”

Yup, give him money and you get to look at songs he likes and can stream the soundtrack… cause, you know, it’ll be so tough to do once it’s released. I think offering nothing would have been less of a slap in the face.

Once kickstart started, everyone wondered how long until greedy corporations took it over so it was no longer a beacon for people who actually needed it and just became another revenue source. Well, great job fuckface, your inability to get a studio to back your formulaic garbage movie has made it more difficult for real artists who need the money to get it.

But as of now, he’s got $1,451,220 and I’m writing on a tumblr. So I guess he wins. Though it does make me feel better that even this is more thought provoking than anything he’s ever done.

Ever.

Scrubs is awful, please don’t tell me people out there who aren’t pre-med actually like it? Please. And c’mon, now that we don’t use AIM anymore, those quotes from Garden State are pretty lame. Fortune cookies are better written. He is awful.

15th Apr 2013

Dear Mr. Hammond, I have a few questions about your park…

OK, so this will be my second blog about Jurassic Park today (you can see the other on liftthepuck.com). But after seeing it again for the 12th time in theaters, I realized there were… several… issues I have with the movie:

Why breed raptors?! Like at all? Hey Mr. Hammond, you know what’s awesome? Dinosaurs. Remember when the dinosaur experts lost their mind when they saw this guy? You know what he’s not doing? Eating people. You tell me people wouldn’t love to go to Herbivore Park? I would! And the best part would be the non-murder.
But say you want to keep explicitly and notoriously dangerous dinosaurs around, fine - it’s your billions.

NYR - All the eggs better not get scrambled

First and foremost, YESSSS! ON THE BOARD! I am so happy the Rangers pulled off their first win of the season and can finally start their ascent up the standings.

It all began with sustained pressure from the top lines. This team was playing with some jam and it showed. The play that got the Rangers out to an early lead was - literally - beautiful. I loved the stretch pass from Del Zotto, the one touch pass from Richards to Nash, the saucer pass to Gaborik, and of course, Gaborik’s patience and silky smooth hands to roof it over a sprawling Rask. I’ve watched that play at least 5 times since then… I plan on watching it at least 5 more.

Without Me or I it’d just be Comrcals

In light of it almost being superbowl time and I do not care what-so-ever cause the NHL is back and everything (friends, family, loved ones) take far back seat to hockey. Which leads me to the stereotypically favorite part of people who don’t care about the football being played during a football game - commercials.
I almost feel bad for the commercial industry. Sure they’ve done nothing but pollute our TV experience for decades, but with the advent of DVR, the commercials are taking a hit. Which is a shame, cause there are some dandies out there.
To me, commercials are like country songs. Most of them are dribble. However, when a good one comes around - it’s fantastic. Sometimes in spite of its product.

Top 5 commercials for products I will never seekout -

NYR - Ugly Start, Flunking Chemistry, and “Dion Sucks”.

Well, that was ugly.
Really, really ugly.
Just before the puck dropped Sunday, everyone was touting the Rangers to be *the* team to beat. Fourty-eight hours later, that didn’t seem like a daunting task.Up and down the line, the Rangers look ordinary, flat, tired, and completely discombobulated.
I’m tempted to almost call this the end of the 2013 Cup Quest. Not that an 0-2 is the end. Last year they got off to a 3-3-3 start and ending up in the Eastern Conference finals and atop of one of the (if not the) most competitive division. And in 2009 the Rangers started off 5-0 only to get knocked out in the first round. So slow starts vs. fast starts are never an exact science as to how the season will unfold. However, and a big however, is that this season is down to 46 games. That’s it. There’s no place for this kind of record attached to an elite team.
So how’d they end up in this abysmal start? Well the number of dumb, dumb, dumb penalties in the Boston game made sure the Rangers never got into a groove. And the lack of toughness in the Pittsburgh game allowed the Rangers to coast around, off the puck, and without any drive. They had no offensive pressure. If they were able to set up in the zone, there would possibly be one shot on goal. And that seemed to be a major “if”.
They need to get some pucks to the net. Between Nash, Richards, and Gaborik, there should be an abundance of shots. Between Kreider, Hagelin, and Stepan there should be enough speed and skill to dish the puck and maybe, just maybe, get pucks to the net. Between Callahan, Boyle, and Pyatt there should be enough grit to keep their skill guys from getting smashed around. But none of these parts were able to come together to transform into the well oiled machine this team could and should be.
The three biggest questions that loom for me are: does Gaborik have an inferiority complex? When will this team start to gel? And why, on this Earth, is Stu Bickel in the NHL?
Gaborik had an amazing year last season. He was a force almost every shift. Over the off season he needed shoulder injury that would have sidelined him until December, 2012. The lockout was almost a blessing allowing Gaborik plenty of time to heal and no need to rush recovery since there was no game to rush back to. Is he still feeling some pain lingering? Or is it something a bit more “European born player”-ish? Not that I’m a xenophobe (I mean, I am - USA’s the best, Candada sucks), but there has been an awkward stereotype hoisted on European players: that they’re flashy, egnimatic, don’t back check, don’t go into the corners, and have super super egos. Has something else over the offseason - acquiring Rick Nash - been the reason Gaborik has been essentially invisible in the first two games?
This leads to major question numero dos: when will these team get it together. Like I said at the start, this team needs to start clicking in order to become the team everyone thinks will just steamroll the East. Last season, their most successful and most promising since, oh, say, 1994, the team opened in Europe and claim that was the reason the bonded so well so fast. Well, there is the opening over seas this time around. More importantly, there is NO TIME for this. Like Vince Vaughn explaining to Jon Favreau that he’s like a bear with giant claw that can’t capture a tiny bunny, this team has all of the tools needed to be a great team, but didn’t seem to put it together. They seemed lost at every end of the ice. In the Boston game, they got called for Too Many Men on The Ice. TOO MANY MEN ON THE ICE! It’s a fundamental part of the game that these professionals could not get together. This is something they need to snap and focus. Dovetail that with Torts shuffling lines, three shifts into game one, makes me nervous about the chemistry on this team.
And finally, I hate to blame one person - the only player that looked strong was Lundqvist - but Stu Bickel really has no reason at all to be on the ice. To say he’s a liability is a gross understatement. He is slow, awful with the puck, and when he tries to pinch in in the offensive zone, he is essentially giving the opposing team a two-on-one. He can fight. Which I guess is fine. We have Rupp and Asham for that though. And they have put the puck in the net. I cannot find any upside to having Bickel on the ice. As of Monday morning, I have yet to see him being sent down to the AHL. I am waiting.
Also, this just shows how even though the Rangers are one of the best defensive teams, they still have holes. I think the Blueshirt faithful should alter the chant to “Dion Sucks!”. Mostly because a lot of younger fans have no clue who Potvin is (or they think it’s Felix). But also because just like Ulf Nilsson was shelved early in 1978, Michael Sauer would have been essential fifth/sixth defenseman. But because of a cheap Dion Phaneuf hit in last December 2011, Sauer may never come back. And if that never happened, we would not have to suffer though Bickel stumbling around the ice leaving nothing but offensive opportunities for the Ranger’s opponents.
There were a few things the Rangers did well. They scored on a 5-on-3 Power Play. Now this might seem obvious, but if you’re reading this, you know as well as I do, this was a pleasant surprise.
Lundqvist was still amazing. He was. He was the best player on the ice and he got pulled. Torts even said his call to pull the reigning Vezina winner was because the team in front of him was so poor that it was not fair to let Lundqvist get shelled for the remainder of the game.
So is it time to pull the emergency cord, strap on your favorite Western Conference team’s jersey (min would be the Blackhawks) and jump ship? Not yet However, if this team remains winless for the next of the week, then it’s time to start praying for a high draft pick. Fingers crossed good readers. And Let’s Go Rangers!

18th Jan 2013 | 2 notes

NHL Predictions

HAPPY HOCKEY EVE!

I’m sure you are all reading countless blogs to help keep you satiated until the puck drops tomorrow. And how can you not? If you’re anything like me, the fact that there are articles with content is a pleasure. Blogs with predictions, rumors, trades, trade rumors, hiring, firings, and everything that makes for the drama on the ice are finally being written instead of posts on HRR, CBA, podiums, meetings, numbers, KHL and/or AHL round ups and disappointments.

Since I’m at work and really can not focus on anything other than the ice, I’ll throw out my predictions. Since mostly everyone I know is on the East Coast, I’m going to display my East Coast Bias to just dive into this conference.